In this autoethnography, I engage with betrayal trauma from my husband’s infidelity as it relates to my recovery and my academic identity, and my work performance. As I navigate between the trauma, the stigma and taboo, the shame and lack of knowledge, my responsibilised academic self, the collegial interactions, and the question whether keeping silent robbed me of my voice, I distinguish toxic secrets, hurtful silencing, and healing silence. Although the exploitative nature of the academic workplace had never been more visceral, I also found that a tending silence contributed to my protection and my recovery. In silence, my academic life is opening up to embracing needs rather than enduring hardships, to inviting rather than striving, to vulnerability rather than empowerment.

在这份民族志中，我因丈夫的不忠而遭受背叛的创伤，因为这与我的康复，学业，工作成绩有关。当我在创伤，污名和禁忌，羞耻和缺乏知识，负责任的学术自我，同事之间的互动以及在保持沉默是否使我失去声音的问题之间导航时，我会区分出有毒秘密，伤害性沉默和康复安静。尽管学术工作场所的剥削性质从未像现在这样令人毛骨悚然，但我还发现，保持沉默的态度有助于我的保护和康复。无言以对，我的学术生活正在向拥抱需求而不是忍受艰辛，邀请而不是努力，变得脆弱而不是赋权开放。