In the spring of 2006, one of my lovers wanted to experience what it would be like to cross-dress in public. Having been assigned female at birth (AFAB) and having spent the majority of her life subscribing to a hyper-feminine expression and embodiment, her endeavor was to understand, for at least a moment, the affective aspects of passing as a man. Upon her transformation, she decided to go out to a local gay bar as a “test run” for her passing ability and to confront her own discomfort with expressing gender variance in public. Angles, located at the corner of Seaside Avenue and Kūhiō Avenue in Waikīkī (an area highly populated by tourists), was the gay bar of her choice, and one that would be conceivably a “safer” environment than attending a straight bar if she was unable to successfully pass as a man. To honor her request that I accompany her on this adventure as her “lady” counter-part, my more “feminine” accoutrements stood in stark contrast to her baggy jeans, long-sleeve button-down shirt, baseball cap, boots, and masculine, rugged aesthetic. Once we arrived at Angles and settled down for drinks with friends, my lover candidly expressed a sense of freedom that she attributed to how others at the bar responded to her current masculine expression. In a predominately white, cisgender, gay male bar, the performance of her masculinity was revered and desired. Her “success” with passing as a gay male was not just the result of her accurately performing a generic or normative version of masculinity; rather, it was also attributed to how she was being racially encoded as Latino by the other patrons. Although she has a darker complexion and is Irish American, she was able to appear and be coded as a young cholo by other white, cisgender gay men – several of whom hit on her and made remarks regarding the racialized otherness of her masculinity. Here, most of these men interpreted her racialized otherness as a product of the performative aspects of her masculine aesthetic. Among these white gay men, the fantasized brown body is often tied to a specific aesthetic that my lover was able to achieve in this moment, but would have been unattainable for her as a white woman. The circulation of a shared imaginary about the fantasized

中文翻译：

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拥抱暴力感觉：《 L字》中的自我毁灭与怪异

在2006年春季，我的一个恋人想体验在公共场合换衣服的感觉。在出生时被任命为女性（AFAB），并且一生中大部分时间都在追求超女性化的表现和体现，她的努力至少是一会儿才能理解男人过世的情感方面。转变后，她决定通过当地同性恋酒吧作为“试跑”，以证明自己的传球能力，并在公开表达性别差异时面对自己的不适。她选择的同性恋酒吧位于威基基（一个人烟稠密的地区）的海边大道和库希奥大道的拐角处，是可以选择的同志酒吧，可以想象，比起参加直酒吧，这是一个“更安全”的环境无法像男人一样成功地通过。为了满足我的要求，我陪伴她参加“女士”运动，我更加“女性化”的服装与宽松的牛仔裤，长袖纽扣衬衫，棒球帽，靴子和男性气息形成鲜明对比。 ，坚固的美学。一旦我们到达了安格斯（Angles）并与朋友安顿下来喝酒，我的爱人就坦诚地表达了一种自由感，这归因于酒吧里的其他人如何回应她目前的男性表情。在一个以白人为主，男女两性的男性同性恋酒吧中，她的男性气质得到了人们的崇高和期望。她成为同性恋男性的“成功”不仅是她准确地表现出男性气概的普遍性或规范性的结果。相反，这也归因于其他顾客如何将她种族化为拉丁裔。尽管她的肤色较深并且是爱尔兰裔美国人，但她还是可以出现，并被其他白人，顺滑的男同性恋者编码为年轻的小伙子-其中一些人打了她，并就她的男性气概的种族差异做出了评论。在这里，这些男人中的大多数将她的种族异性解释为她男性美感的表现形式的产物。在这些白人男同性恋者中，幻想中的棕色身体通常与我的爱人此刻能够实现的特定审美联系在一起，但作为白人妇女，她是无法达到的。关于幻想的共享假想的传播 这些男人中的大多数将她的种族异性解释为她男性美感的表现形式的产物。在这些白人男同性恋者中，幻想中的棕色身体通常与我的爱人此刻能够实现的特定审美联系在一起，但作为白人妇女，她是无法达到的。关于幻想的共享假想的传播 这些男人中的大多数将她的种族异性解释为她男性美感的表现形式的产物。在这些白人男同性恋者中，幻想中的棕色身体通常与我的爱人此刻能够实现的特定审美联系在一起，但作为白人妇女，她是无法达到的。关于幻想的共享假想的传播