Abstract

In the process of doing research, I have experienced being an insider and outsider, belonging and exclusion, and feeling messy while trying to look tidy on multiple levels and, often, all at once. While these experiences sharpened my critical awareness, these seemingly dichotomous subjectivities often went unresolved. This article draws on post-structural theory to investigate the challenges to and value in embodying and performing multiple researcher subjectivities. I explore the tensions of “insider” subjectivities as a person who did research in an industry I was and still am personally involved. I consider the challenges to being human and having feelings as a researcher. I discuss the value of reflexive and creative ways of presenting research. This article concludes with insights from Foucault’s approach to ethical care for the self that helped me make peace with the messiness of doing research and guides my beliefs in honoring research that resists traditional expectations.

摘要

在做研究的过程中，我经历了局内人和局外人，归属感和排斥感，在试图在多个层面上看起来整洁时感到凌乱，而且通常是同时发生的。虽然这些经历增强了我的批判意识，但这些看似二分法的主观性往往没有得到解决。本文借鉴后结构理论来研究在体现和执行多种研究人员主体性方面的挑战和价值。作为一个在我过去和现在个人参与的行业中进行研究的人，我探索了“内部人”主观性的紧张关系。我认为作为研究人员的人性和感受所面临的挑战。我讨论了展示研究的反思性和创造性方式的价值。