I didn't call today. I was curled up in the blanket that doesn't smell like you anymore, crying until my eyes burned. Happy third year anniversary, my love…..I don't know when I will see you again. Did you see the email from our lawyer? Really nice person, trying to put three terrible options in a hopeful light. Our three terrible options. None of which I can choose right now. They felt like a crushing blow upon a spirit that was already weak. I guess months of news in a downward spiral of gloom can do that to a person. Remember in January when you said, just drop everything and come with me. I said “Honey, we must be rational. we chose this path and we can't steer too far away from it, too much money has been invested.” We read the news in January the last time we met, in New Zealand. Man was I a bitch. Seriously. When I look back at my behaviour, I can't believe you didn't fly back home. Our meetings are like that, long distance is hard, seeing each other starts off with dealing with old angst and fractures and missing and grieving and laughter in one. We just didn't have enough time, and now I haven't seen you in 7 months.

New Zealand was gorgeous. You planned an incredible trip of a lifetime and learned ultimately that my fear of falling made some of the adventurous parts of the trip harder. We are now in the biggest free fall we could have never imagined. The world is in the free fall. Wuhan was under lockdown because of a new virus. We noticed it on the news but at that time there was too much to relish. The clear night sky. The sound of laughter undistorted by poor internet signal. Holding hands. Did I ever tell you how much I love when you touch my face? We ate fruit, cooked on the grill, played with the dogs and just like that our trip ended. I walked you to your gate and wept while I waited from my flight. It had been 3 months since the last time we had seen each other and our time in New Zealand had been too short. I got us two souvenir T‐shirts at the airport. I wore mine this week, to help me remember that wonderful but tearful last day I saw you. Your T‐shirt is still in its packaging. I hope the moths don't get to it.

A week later, I flew to Fiji for a workshop. Two of us flew in from Samoa, both waiting to see if the planes would fly due to Cyclone Tino's movements in the area. Suva reminds me of home and wandering about after long days of classes was great fun. I ate so much. Remember the roti wraps I told you about? Cheap and delicious. I would get them from the shop and retreat to my room to gorge myself, away from civilized company. Anyone would be astounded at how much I could eat. I couldn't place that sound in the evenings, into the early morning. I looked and looked and contemplated if the flying birds were some type of weaver bird but did not understand the sound they made. After much scrutinizing, I asked someone, what kind of bird is that? It is a bat. Oh, well, that explained the hanging upside down bit. Growing up, I was always terrified of bats, but living in the Pacific for the past 7 years, I have become accustomed to them. I admired their size, their cacophony, and their sheer numbers—a number rivalled only by the little frogs that covered the path and grass I walked through to get to my room. I saw the posting from the Samoa Immigration Unit on Facebook, soon before we were to return. Medical reports were required before we could depart, at least 3 days before the flight, but there was not enough time. I am a worrier, and so I did what I do best. I worried the entire night before the night and up to the point of checking in. When we landed, we waited for the additional forms to fill on the aircraft. Then we waited in the line after disembarking. We finally got the forms, but there weren't enough for all of us. Nurses took our temperature and our contact information and we were allowed to leave. That was at the end of January. Almost 7 months ago.

The critique of the Samoan Government's conservative approach to placing restrictions on entry was fodder for the public and international media. Scrutiny turned into admiration in a span of months as the government proved able to keep the disease out. “COVID‐19” and “coronavirus” became recurring motifs in our conversations. My mom advised me to stock up as supply chains could get interrupted and people tend to panic about the unknown. Countries started putting in quarantine measures. I wondered if I should I try to get home now, before the borders closed and I couldn't figure out a way back home. Friends and family were on two sides. My biggest worry was that the border might close while I was in quarantine somewhere in transit. So I stocked up for a month, and waited. We went into lockdown and the world felt as if it were waiting in silence for a tsunami to come. The tsunami has come and keeps coming, with waves of death and unknown beneath the murky waters.

The planes stopped love and I can't get to you, or mom, or my friends. Sometimes I feel like I am ok—that I can handle this because it cannot last forever, not with the world's best scientists working on it. You are in a new job and although you show me the pictures, I have not been there, I cannot imagine you in that place. I keep everything as it was when you were here because I can remember you here. It is lonely. Seeing the people I love is a treat at the end of a long day's hard work. But I don't know when that treat will come. This is a feeling of utter helplessness that cripples. I love you to the expanse of the stars in the night sky. Tomorrow I will call, promise.

Yours always,

Ramona

我今天没打电话。我was缩在不再像你的气味的毯子里，哭了直到我的眼睛烧焦。结婚三周年快乐，我的爱人……我不知道何时能再见到你。您是否看到我们律师的电子邮件？真是个好人，试图为希望带来三个可怕的选择。我们的三个糟糕选择。我现在都无法选择。他们感到本来就很脆弱的精神受到了沉重的打击。我猜数月的新闻令人沮丧，这可以使一个人受益。记得在一月份你说的时候，放下一切，跟我来。我说：“亲爱的，我们必须理性。我们选择了这条路，我们不能偏离它太远，已经投入了太多的钱。” 我们上次在新西兰见面时是在1月阅读的新闻。男人是我的a子。说真的 当我回头看我的行为时，我简直不敢相信你没有飞回家。我们的会议就像是这样，长途跋涉很难，看到彼此开始时要处理旧的焦虑和骨折，以及一次失踪，悲伤和欢笑。我们只是没有足够的时间，而现在我已经七个月没有见到您了。

新西兰是美丽的。您计划了一次难忘的旅程，最终得知我对跌倒的恐惧使旅途中的一些冒险活动变得更加困难。我们正处于我们从未想过的最大的自由落体中。世界处于自由落体中。武汉因新病毒而被封锁。我们在新闻中注意到了这一点，但当时实在太令人讨厌了。晴朗的夜空。笑声没有因互联网信号差而失真。手牵着手。当您触摸我的脸时，我曾经告诉过您我有多爱吗？我们吃了水果，在烤架上煮熟，和狗一起玩，就像我们的旅程结束了一样。我从飞机上等着时，我就把您带到您的门口哭泣。自上次我们见面以来已经过去了三个月，我们在新西兰的时间太短了。我在机场给我们买了两件纪念品T恤。这个星期我穿了我的衣服，以帮助我记住上次见到你那美好而又含泪的日子。您的T恤仍在包装中。我希望飞蛾不会落入。

一周后，我飞往斐济参加了一个讲习班。我们两个人从萨摩亚乘飞机飞来，都在等着看是否由于蒂诺飓风在该地区的移动而使飞机飞翔。Suva让我想起了家，在漫长的上课后闲逛很有趣。我吃了很多 还记得我告诉过你的烤肉卷吗？便宜又好吃。我会把它们从商店里拿出来，撤退到我的房间，让自己远离文明的公司。任何人都会吃多少我都会感到惊讶。我无法在傍晚到清晨听到这种声音。我看了看，考虑了飞鸟是否是某种编织鸟，但听不懂它们发出的声音。经过仔细的检查，我问某人，那是什么鸟？这是一只蝙蝠。哦，好，这解释了倒挂的位置。成长，我一直对蝙蝠感到恐惧，但是在太平洋生活了7年之久，我已经习惯了它们。我钦佩它们的大小，刺耳的声音和纯粹的数字，这个数字只能与覆盖我走过的小路和草丛到达房间的小青蛙相媲美。在返回之前不久，我在Facebook上看到了萨摩亚移民局的贴子。在起飞前至少需要3天的飞行时间才能提供医疗报告，但时间不足。我很担心，所以我做了我最擅长的事情。我担心前一天晚上到整个登机手续。当我们着陆时，我们等待其他表格填写在飞机上。然后，我们下船后在排队等候。我们终于有了表格，但对于我们所有人来说还不够。护士考虑了我们的体温和联系方式，我们被允许离开。那是在一月底。大约7个月前。

萨摩亚政府采取保守措施限制进入的批评使公众和国际媒体感到不安。由于政府证明能够将这种疾病排除在外，在几个月的时间里，审查变得令人钦佩。“ COVID-19”和“冠状病毒”成为我们谈话中反复出现的主题。我的妈妈建议我补货，因为供应链可能会中断，人们往往会对未知的事物感到恐慌。各国开始采取检疫措施。我想知道我是否应该在边界关闭并且我想不通回家的路之前，现在设法回家。朋友和家人在两个方面。我最大的担心是，当我在运输途中的某处隔离时，边境可能会关闭。所以我ed积了一个月，然后等待。我们进入锁定状态，整个世界仿佛在静静等待海啸的到来。海啸已经来了，而且一直在继续，在波涛汹涌的海水之下，一波波死亡和未知的浪潮。

飞机停止了爱情，我无法找到你，妈妈或我的朋友。有时候，我感觉还不错，我可以处理这个问题，因为它不可能永远持续下去，除非有世界上最好的科学家在努力。您正在从事新工作，尽管您给我看了照片，但我没有去过那里，我无法想象你在那个地方。我保留了您在这里的一切，因为我可以在这里记住您。很寂寞。在漫长的一天辛苦工作中，见到我爱的人是一种享受。但是我不知道什么时候会来。这是一种完全无助的感觉，使自己瘫痪了。我爱你到夜空中的星星。明天我会打电话，保证。

永远

拉莫纳